hello

It happens in subtle ways such that you do not realise that you’ve let go of your spiritual practice. You do not realise that subconsciously and in small ways, you’ve been hating yourself on a daily basis.

When you wear pieces of clothing that no longer fits, when you’re wearing make up to cover up your scars. When you haven’t shaved or waxed and know that others don’t know what they can’t see.

Oh but you know. You know very well because you’re the owner of your body. Not only do you know what’s under your clothes, you know what’s under your skin and what’s in your heart.

You know the parts of your body, your self, that you haven’t fully embraced, that you’re silently judging. Your under arms, your tummy, your skin, your thighs. You’re going shopping to buy more clothes or you’re reaching for more things to achieve, to cover up all of these uncomfortable feelings, unconsciously.

It is only when you make time to slow down and listen to your heart, that you begin to realise the undercurrent feelings of not loving these parts of yourself. Yet slowing down is against the grain, contrary to the rat-race “reality”.

Not loving yourself is a form of self-rejection. It comes from a place of feeling not good enough. And you’ve met this part of you soooo many times – seriously, you begin to think, how many times are you supposed to “clear” this belief that “I’m not good enough”.

This is quite similar to a recent experience I’ve had, when I realised through a process of digging deeper to my worst fear… that beneath the feeling of not good enoughness, I met the fear of “choosing to reject God” which baffled me.

The process went like this:
What’s worse than feeling not good enough?
Rejecting myself.
What’s the absolute worse thing, than rejecting yourself?
Rejecting God. Choosing to reject god.
Making this choice as a soul before I came onto Earth. Or the cycle of forgetting the truth of who I really am, that I am God and then coming back to remembering.

All of these ‘reasons’ are illusions. It’s a situation or reason created so that my ego can take on the role of protecting me. Because the truth is I am never not God. I am always God. I am the creator. The creator is not an energy or force that is outside of me. It is within me, it is me.

Ever since I set the intention last week to love myself, again, by giving myself attention, my resting my hand on my thigh or my stomach and focusing my attention there while taking deep breaths… I’ve felt the beautiful flow of life. I can feel the muscles in the my body relax. I can change my thoughts from cringing as I see my body folds and dimples and choose to send an abundance of love instead. 

If you have been subtly hating up on yourself, I invite you to join me by devoting the rest of 2019 to the intention of loving ourselves, especially our bodies.

It’s time to live our lives and love ourselves as God, more and more, every day.

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I remember the days when I would ‘strive’ or work hard. I overworked, fell sick often and felt guilty for ‘not being good enough.

I was functioning on a day to day basis. I was in survival mode. Just “go-go-go”.

I was reaching for that good grade when in school and when it was time for my appraisal at the workplace.
I couldn’t stop comparing myself with others. It was like an addiction. I had no standard for myself. My expectations were always high, based on what others’ were accomplishing. I followed what was the ‘norm’, even when it didn’t fit me.

I remember sitting here, bowing my head down in shame, silently berating myself in my head when I saw that everyone else had done better than me, and I had not. I wondered what was wrong with me, why I couldn’t be better.

And yet even when I reached a 100% level KPI at work, I realized that that moment didn’t last. It was on to the next thing. I wasn’t fully satisfied or fulfilled. I began to wonder, why my colleagues were rushing to meet 100% KPI.

This was one of the moments that changed my sense of self-worth.

I realized (again) that I was placing my worth on my accomplishments – how well I was ‘performing’, ‘doing’ – in comparison to others. I was constantly impacted by how I (thought I) was being perceived by others.

As I began living from my core sense of self, I realized that I was trying to meet standards someone else had set, that didn’t fit for me – even if that meant that it was the organizational standards.

I began setting my own standards – to begin doing things that fit for me. To live in a way that I wasn’t striving, sacrificing my meal times or working nights and weekends causing myself to fall sick. These new lowered expectations worked so much better for me.

I stopped looking externally at what others were doing and began checking in, on what I needed and what worked better for me.  This translated into how I wanted to live my life. I wasn’t running myself down to the bone anymore. I was choosing to be present in my daily life.

I made the transition from more ‘doing’ to more ‘being’.

It’s very much like trying to go on a diet – instead of taking something away, I added something new. It started off with focusing on my breath. This is a ‘tool’ I can tap on at any moment in time, any where that I am – easily accessible. I focused on slowing down my actions and focusing on my breaths. I took time away from my desk to take a walk to the toilet and back, all the while stretching my body out and breathing deeply.

I began to watch trees. I marveled in the beauty that they are so very still yet so very alive. I love the saying that “you can’t rush nature, it takes its time.” And yet, everything works out perfectly.

I brought rituals into my day, with the mundane ordinary things I did – like morning tea time and shower time. I said a prayer or set an intention to cleanse myself before I stepped into the shower or to connect with my soul and truly enjoy the moment while sipping on my morning tea.

Presence – it’s the word that I keep coming back to, the way that I am choosing to live my life. The reason why I stepped away from the online word, away from social media and building my business outside of facebook groups. 

If you are still trying to prove yourself, do reach out. You deserve a life where you’re fully present, not just surviving. It would be my honour to support you in your journey.

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