…of fEAR.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
— Marianne Williamson

Fear of judgment, fear of not being enough, feelings of unworthiness, fear of feeling too much, fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection. Growing up, I felt like I didn’t belong. I tried hard to fit in. I did not recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I hated myself. I had asthma. I had eczema on my face and scalp, fresh wounds screaming – I felt so ugly. I had no control over my pain. I had body image distortion – I wanted to be thinner. I hurt myself physically creating pain that was under my control and starved myself. I disconnected. I struggled. I felt lost. I had a lot of anger in me. I numbed and I numbed some more. I decided that feeling nothing would be the best way to deal with all the feelings right under my skin. I walked with my head down living in what seemed like darkness. Keeping an online diary connecting with other lost souls kept me sane through my teenage years, knowing that I wasn’t alone with my struggles, that a stranger cared enough to read and show some love. Love that I could not see or feel within me. Love that I desperately needed and did not know how to find or ask for.

With a psychology background, I absolutely adored working with kids with special needs – they taught me the gift of Unconditional Love. I saw worlds of infinite possibilities in them, that others couldn’t see. They reflected back the beauty in me. I had also served as a child protection officer with the government – taking a stand for our children’s truth, making sure their voices are heard. I LOVED what I was doing! It was working with broken families that I realised the gift of my own family with deep gratitude for my parents who have loved me into who I am today and the candid company of my siblings through good times and bad. However due to the demanding nature of the work, the long hours, the late home visits, crisis-based and intense work, my stress levels exacerbated over time and my health deteriorated. I had gastric issues, insomnia and quickly developed vertigo. My eczema flared up and I was putting on a lot of weight. I was plagued by depression and suicidal thoughts when flashback memories from my childhood surfaced due to the nature of my work. I couldn’t cope with all that I was going through – I did not have the tools. A diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome was the final straw to wake me up. I was exploding from within! I KNEW that this wasn’t right for me and that life was not meant to be this way – I HAD to CHANGE something! I had to do something differently.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do”
– Brene Brown

I reached out for help and received email support from SOS for a few months before I felt comfortable to seek out a counselor. This was how I started my gratitude practice that changed my life. I made an appointment with a gynaecologist – I was SO afraid that something was wrong with me. I started to make time for myself. I started to care for myself. I learnt to trust my loved ones and allowed them to love me back. During this time when I could no longer use words to express myself, Art saved my life – it gave me an avenue to express myself. I approached my Sundays as my own retreat days – time to do the things that I love like art, sing or write. I printed inspirational quotes for my desk. I made to-do lists and gained satisfaction from cancelling the completed tasks. It didn’t feel enough though. I needed something more instead of travelling to “get away” from my life, “slogging” through the week and living for the weekends. I wanted to stop feeling so tired. I wanted to the Sunday-feeling to last longer. I wanted to BE here. I wanted to love every brand new day and see the beauty around me. I wanted to see the beauty in me. I desperately wanted to love me.


The Universe presented me with an opportunity to become a vocal coach, after I had been taking singing lessons for almost 2 years. I was surprised and felt like I had no relevant experience. I recognized that I held within, a wealth of information and skills; that I can choose this; that I can DO this! My mentor’s deeply rooted belief in me at a time when I did not recognize my own gifts, made a huge difference in my life. I told myself that I did not want to look back at my life and have regrets. I took a leap of faith and quit my job as a child protection officer. I went through the initial stages of fear and uncertainty of stepping into the unknown. Looking back, it was one of the best decisions I had ever made! Three years of teaching singing and I feel like a life coach in training, guiding my students through their lives by owning the gift and power of their voice and truth. I had more time to dive deep into self-discovery and so my spiritual path blossomed. My entire journey thus far felt like it had been a preparation towards becoming a heART-ist serving our beautiful world towards Love.

Do you feel like I’m telling your story too?

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