I have failed.

That is the thought that was running in repeated loops in my head.

“You have failed. You have failed. You have failed.”

My resistance kept me hidden, stopped me from being seen, stopped me from reaching out and from communicating. My resistance kept me silent. My resistance kept me stuck.

My coach, Whitney Freya had released the Creatively Fit: Vision Quest program this month and I had not been able to find clients to work with me. I had been very excited about coaching souls through this incredible journey that had transformed my life, to create the life that one desires through Art. A lady had indicated interest in attending last Sunday’s workshop and I took some time before getting back to her for a confirmation. I was convinced that she wouldn’t turn up with her fiancé when Sunday came. I concluded that no one would be attending the workshop on Sunday.

I was in a space of seeing that my path was shifting yet again. All the plans that I had envisioned for myself – coaching, expanding my new business venture – isn’t happening the way I had planned or hoped for. I am aware that this isn’t entirely true either. I will not lie to you. The truth is that, this is hard. It is hard to face this. It is hard to trust in the Universe and yet… in the deepest core of my being, in my heart and soul I KNOW it, I KNOW that I DO trust the Universe and this path that I am creating for myself as I take one step forward into the unknown each time. I knew that I will be ok, that I am supported, that I am guided. I knew that in that very moment, I needed to honour where I was and the tears that came… to cleanse and to heal.

I was being ripped apart. I faced FAILURE. It was huge for me. With someone who has grown up with perfectionistic traits, who has worked to let go of these standards and expectations on myself and what others think – to come to this space to realise that I had “failed” – broke me. I couldn’t help the tears that wanted to pour out of me. The truth was painful. The pain was real.

I embraced myself where I was. I embraced all my broken parts, especially my broken heart. The unknowing. The defeat. I allowed my tears and I knew that it was ok that I was feeling that way. Even though I held the knowledge of what is to come. I chose to allow my grieving process for myself. For all that I had envisioned, the lost dreams and for all that is changing.

In that very instant, I realised that all of this was meant to be. My Soul created this situation. I am meant to be right here. This exact moment. This is my redirection.

To get moving with exploring healing through art. To stop caring about what others think and even if no one participates in my creation, this is ok because I will do it for myself and by myself. This is healing that my soul is aching for, creating and desiring to walk through now. I will show up for me. That’s all the Universe is asking of me and for me. To show up. No matter how messy and snotty I am.

So I decided – I AM choosing to show up. I am WORTH the space that I had rented to hold the art workshop. My coach had started a painting marathon online. I decided that, I would be the student. I was 26 students and the Goddess is my teacher.

I bow so deeply to the Divine Feminine as she works her way through me. Destroying everything that I believed myself to be. I bow to this process of breaking open.

I went to the art store to get canvases and I held space within me for my tears to brim in my eyes. It was in that moment that I received an email from the lady saying that she was coming with her fiance! I was amazed. So amazed and so grateful that despite it all – I had chosen to SHOW UP, no matter what. Because of that decision I made it in time to conduct the class for a very lovely couple who truly enjoyed the session!

I learnt the importance of choosing to show up, even when my legs are trembling, even if tears are streaming down my face. When I don’t believe in myself, when i’m tired of trying, when I just don’t know anymore. I had stood, naked, in my own perceived failure and it was the biggest gift that I had given to myself. A healing and growth. Facing my own failure so that I could rise from the depths of it again. I have learnt the power of complete surrender for that is when the Divine meets me on Her terms, not mine, allowing my path to unfold.

Choose to show up. There is such courage in vulnerability and exposure to our own truth. Truth that carries sweet nectar to kiss our wounds from the inside. I may forget all of the lessons that I have learnt, all of the battles that I have won, all of the victories, celebrations. I may forget it all… and I will always come back to my truth… I will always have my love within me. An infinite ocean of love that I can always tap back into to fill me up and to heal from within.

I am taking a step forward into growth and expansion <3 Will you walk with me, sweet soul?

Posted On : September 16, 2015 BY Viknesvari | 4 Comments | ADD YOURS