Yoga: Building an Intimate Connection to Myself
In my beginner hatha yoga class, I set the intention to breathe love into my resistance to stay where I am and to keep holding my pose. I do not know how it happened. I wasn’t even thinking about it and it all seemed to flow. Somehow my body was able to lift off the mat and be supported by my hands for a full bridge pose… It truly felt like magic… I was in amazement, wonder and very quickly the mind kicked in and I was in shock and disbelief. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I did it. This was soooooooo huge for me. To be able to do this within a couple of weeks of my yoga practice. I never imagined it. It’s as though I surrendered and let You carry me through. I wasn’t in my mind and became fully present in my body. A huge huge huge achievement for me and I do not even know how to describe this feeling in words. It is immense. I have deep gratitude for myself and my body. While in savasana, I allowed the tears to well up behind my eyes and flow in deep gratitude and in sacred connection to you Kali Ma. I feel you so strongly, flowing through me and I bow so deeply. So so deeply.
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My yoga journey started out a couple of years back when I went for a hot yoga session and was flooded with inadequacy, lack, not enoughness and body shame. Even though my friends said that it would get better at the next session, I felt like they were not hearing what I was saying. I never did yoga again until last year. As I journeyed through Julie Gibbon’s Mandala Magic 2014, I attempted to do child’s pose and felt like I couldn’t even be in that position, I couldn’t be that close to my body. That was the amount of body shame and rejection that I held within. It was my lovely soul sister Karen who then introduced Yoga to me after her retreat in India, guiding me to follow my breath and go at my pace. I also did an online class with Anna Guest-Jelley and Vivienne McMaster: Embodying my curvy and beloved body. I remember visiting Karen in Norway and we had spent some time in a Spiritual shop. I was reading a book on Chakra Healing. I can’t recall the question but I remember my answer: My spirit wanted to fly. I knew that my lower chakras needed a lot more work!
After I came back to Singapore, my path was filled with grounding practices! I had a life coaching session with one of my students who had asked me this question: What is your relationship with your body? I was stunned! It was then that I realised that I did not have any such relationship with my body! I learnt to do body scans. I was halfway through the book, The Power of Now and I learnt to follow my breath and be present in my body. I did a 30 Days of Yoga program with Marianne Elliot and I learnt to be kind and compassionate to myself on the mat and off the mat. I started my journey with energy healing and Week 1 had us practicing grounding! I stepped into the world of Divine Feminine Embodiment practices and my life changed completely. I knew that I wanted to get in touch with the meditative and traditional form of yoga rather than attend a class where the focus was on exercise.
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I had put it out to the Universe to find such a place and a month ago I was literally guided through several Facebook posts, to a studio near my home. It was truly meant to be. I’ve met an amazing lady who teaches yoga to small groups in her home. I loved the energy of her space, her approach and I knew that I was exactly where I needed to be.
Yoga is transforming my life and my being. I feel so much more open. I am learning what my body is capable of. Learning to trust, learning to let go and feeling a lot more confident in my body too. After my practice, I feel so infinitely connected. My heart feels sooooo open to the Divine, the sensation so pure that it brings tears of joy to my eyes. I am building an intimate connection with myself within my body. It’s so beautiful, so sacred. I thought to myself: Yes I do have dreams for my future.. and yet and yet and yet.. even if that does not come to fruition, it does not matter. If this continues to be my life that is ok too because this – all of it – is already so beautiful. I feel so contented where I am now.
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