Divine Downloads. Fear of commitment. Fear in my stomach. Detachment. Allowing. Contraction. Tears. Allowing. Surrendering. Trusting. Expanding.

That’s the kind of growth I went through for two weeks in July.

I birthed the content of my sales page 2 weeks ago from my womb. It literally felt that way! Like a fire that was burning from within, wanting to burst forth into words, to be communicated and shared with you. I had asked Creator – I thought to myself, if God wanted me to do this, then by all means SHOW ME! That’s how it happened.

I uncovered the fear of commitment later that week – it was a contraction in my body and in my stomach. It felt so uncomfortable – yet I stayed with it and I stepped through to say “YES! This is what I want for me, this is what I want to create in my life!” I LOVED the energy of that! In order for a great man to commit to me, I am now choosing to commit to myself, fully. No more excuses. This was the same reason why I had delayed launching my website. I was afraid of the commitment and the responsibility, afraid of sharing my story and showing the world who I really am. I realised that the only way I can teach others to love big and expand is to go through this expansion myself!

I spent my Sunday creating two acrylic paintings of elephant love – I’m a featured artist in a deck of elephant postcards together with my other creatively fit coaches! Another win and a celebration! Woohoo! It was a real stretch for me to work with a timeline. I chose to focus my energy on creating my heart’s work and chose to say no to a gathering with friends – more on this in another blogpost coming soon! Time on the canvas taught me to let go, to detach from what I was painting, creating. By letting go I opened up to the infinite possibilities of what my painting could turn into. By detaching from the outcome, I created a space for me to allow my experience. In that space, I found my joy again.

I felt nervous energy in the pit of my stomach, my solar plexus chakra, as the week came to a close. A questioning of my own abilities to birth my very first art workshop, to go out into the world and really do this. I received a bill that I needed to clear within the week and that was the tip of the iceberg that broke me into tears – how was I going to get the money? The previous week, amidst all the wondering shifts and learnings, I was stressed out. I waited for confirmation of the venue for my art wrokshop, I worked to complete admin work by myself as my boss was on maternity leave and my colleague was on medical leave. I had a conversation with a student who worked with Intellectual Property and I got worried about my site’s domain name. I felt extremely tired to the bone! Through the blur of tears, I wrote a note to myself:

“Vickie. I know you’re crying. I know you’re in pain. I just wanted to tell you that I love you as you are right now. I don’t need you to be any more than you are right now. Tears swollen eyes snotty nose. I love you as you are right now”.

I took a big step back from everything.

I realised that my worries and negative vibrations were attracting these experiences and feelings to me! I had been clearing energy blocks around my money stories and I knew these experiences were coming up for me to become aware of old beliefs that no longer served me! The next morning, I was able to hold off a payment until I received my monthly salary and that allowed me to pay up what was required! I also received an email from my boss to tell me that I was doing a great job handling the admin duties single-handedly – I was grateful for her encouragement that came at a much needed time. I also congratulated myself for having given myself that recognition and love within me first. I am also doing a Self Love course right now and it felt like God simply knew I would be needing this support right now.

My family came through for me, helping me to prepare for the workshop and I loved and appreciated this so so so much! I had ten participants confirmed for the workshop and with their energy exchange I was able to get all of the materials that were needed. The best thing was that there was a 15% – 20% discount at the art store! How AMAZING is THAT!? Truly! That is truly how the Universe shows up for you when you commit, say yes and show up for yourself, no matter what! A big thank you to the Universe for all the abundance flowing in.

Celebrating the in-between spaces

I had wanted to launch on the 22nd of July – 22 is my favourite number – and that didn’t happen. On 24th of July, I felt like “today seems like a pretty good day for a launch” – and I liked that. A perfectly ordinary day that felt extraordinary in it’s simplicity and I felt my heart expand with love. In the days leading up to the launch, I felt such a great sense of gratitude. I remember closing my eyes and soaking in all of the in-between spaces, the quiet moments.

I looked back to realise how far I had come – my dedication and commitment to what I had wanted to create. I had no idea that this is the space that I would be creating for me and for you. My coach had given me the idea for a one page site to send out my meditation messages. However, I had a different vision – an entire website. I held on to my vision and embarked on Rachel Macdonald’s Bright Eyed & Blog-Hearted course, meeting amazing women around the world getting their authentic voice out into the world. Highly motivated, I kept showing up and doing the work every single day (after work hours I came home and continued working on my site). Allowing myself days of not doing anything at all and time to paint and play. I just kept taking the next step. It was only after completing one page that I knew what I wanted next. When I was ready, the information flowed to me, just as I am writing this post for you now.

I didn’t know when the launch of my site would be – I had to FEEL into it. I had to FEEL it in my body and in my heart – that this, today, felt right. Before I could feel into it, I had to let go of ALL my expectations, all the supposed-tos. My tears was the moment that I had cracked and completely surrendered to God, trusting that if this was what I was really meant to do, that there is a way and that God will show me the way”

Yesterday when my friend Lynette shared this video with me, I knew I had come full circle.

In the video Oprah says “I don’t get it. I really don’t get it God but I know you do. I don’t know if this is some kind of joke or what you’re doing with me but I thought you wanted me to have this part. I wanna be in the space to thank you for the opportunity but I can’t now. I can’t. It’s too hard. Please help me let it go. Help me to let it go. And I start singing – I surrender all. I surrender all. All to Thee my blessed Savior. I surrender all. Now, that song just spontaneously came to me. But when you first start to sing it, you really can’t surrender, you just sing the song. I sang and I prayed and I sang and I prayed and I cried until I could feel myself let it go and know. You’re gonna be alright. You’re gonna be alright. … God can dream a bigger dream, for me, for you, than you could ever dream for yourself. When you’ve worked as hard, and done as much, and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped – surrender. When you have done all that you can do and there is nothing left for you to do – give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself. Let it then become a part of the floooooow. I have never wanted anything as badly, as hard, as much as The Colour Purple. The wanting of it and then the surrendering of it is what taught me to live in the space of letting go. You can dream this much but God has a bigger dream.

So when I ask, what should I do, should I do this?

The bigger question is – what would You, God, the Universe, have me do? – Oprah Winfrey”

Ask yourself this question and stay in the stillness – allow your answers to come to you – and do share them with me, beautiful soul.

Posted On : August 2, 2015 BY Viknesvari | 2 Comments | ADD YOURS