It is possible to say no and ask for what you need, without feeling guilty.

I told my partner that I would not be able to meet him this weekend as I had a family outing and I needed to complete and submit 3 reports for work, that I would feel better if I got my work done.

He simply replied that it’s ok and that he loves me.

In the past, I would have launched into a whole explanation about how I’m really sorry, that I wished it could be different, that I’d love to make it up somehow.

I would have tried to do it all and find ways to make it work by squeezing time in.

That didn’t always work out so well for me, because I would be thinking of the work that needs to be done at the back of my mind, or I’d feel a little bit of resentment that I “had” to do this or feel regret and criticise myself thereafter.

Brene Brown’s powerful quote and teaching helped me:
“Choose discomfort over resentment.”
To choose to feel a few minutes of discomfort rather than months of resentment.

Sometimes when you say no, especially to a loved one, there’s a little bit of discomfort after that…
– a sinking feeling, worried about what they would say or think
– hoping they’ll be ok with it
– feeling the muscles in your tummy tighten when you don’t hear back from them
– apologise or justify your decision

The discomfort, the guilt comes from not believing that you can ask and receive that which you desire, that you are worthy of taking that time for you.

Just like learning any new skill, this takes practice too – how to say it, what to say and then practice saying it over and over again when you need to! It’s like strengthening your muscle when you go to the gym with weights, over time, it gets easier and feels more comfortable.

How do you feel about saying no or asking for what you need from a loved one?
Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

Lovingly,
 
Viknesvari