hello

My husband and I had an experience that left us both feeling angry at each other. I felt like I had made a mistake.

You’d think that making a mistake isn’t a crime, it’s how we learn – through making mistakes.

Yet as I sat with my discomfort in, “what’s wrong with making a mistake?” … and for me, it brought feelings of shame to the surface. Shame sits in my stomach. I can feel my body protecting me by helping me to not feel this shame intensely.

As I keep the shame down, there’s space for the anger to rise, to protect me further. Anger rises almost like a weapon to say: Stay away from me, I don’t want you to see me in my shamefulness.

I walk away and disconnect, because I feel too much in shame to be seen by you.

Wow. These words are so powerful even as I sit now to look within myself, to listen to my body.

Re-reading these words tickles my eyes with tears. I realize that I’ve “worked so hard” to be okay, to be cool, about making mistakes.

Trying “so hard” to not make mistakes has driven the perfectionistic tendencies within me for so many years in my past. To get things right. To just be perfect. To do it well.

I’ve practiced “so hard” to let go of the thoughts that I had made a mistake, soothing myself that that’s how I learn.

But by engaging in these cognitive processes, I’ve neglected the underlying feelings of shame – in my body.

I feel shame because I am beating up on myself for the mistake that I had made.

I’m afraid of being seen in my shame.
I’m afraid of being seen in my shadow.
I’m afraid of being seen as whole (and this surprises me).

The only way you can see me as whole, is if I not only let you see my light, but let you in to see my shadow as well.

So, hello again.
This is me and all of who I am.
I am no longer censoring and choosing parts to share with you. I am choosing to share my whole truth.

I’m afraid I won’t accept myself as whole.

I know this is an illusion. I’m holding myself and asking myself to go deeper, that all of me is here and I am safe.

Not accepting myself as whole, means that I’m not accepting God, because God is perfect and I am not.

Making mistakes makes me feel shame, because I am not being perfect and therefore I am not God.

This is not true. This is not my truth. Yet it has come up to the light now to be witnessed and I feel a sense of lightness in my heart. The tightness in my stomach, the discomfort has eased.

So what does “making mistakes” really mean then?
I hear: “it’s fun” and that makes me laugh.

Making mistakes is part of growth. It doesn’t mean I am more or less of a person. It simply means I get to choose, if I want to repeat my ways or make a different choice next time.

Now I am turning my mistakes into fun choices and masterpieces and I invite you to try the same with me.

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I am so disappointed with people serving adults who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. I had a conversation with a friend today that made me have a visceral reaction with anger rising up.  

Therapists and counsellors and especially co-workers have NO right to push their beliefs onto those who are healing from childhood trauma.

How DARE you ask someone to forgive?
How DARE you ask someone to find closure?
How DARE you ask someone how long they are going to hold on to their pain?
How DARE you ask someone if they’ll regret when the person dies?

How DARE you put the blame on the client whom you are supposed to help?

I don’t care if forgiving worked for you.
I don’t care if you found closure some way.
I don’t care if you found something that worked for other clients.

You are doing more damage than helping.

Even if you do suggest an option, you need to check with the client how that sounds to them or if it even fits them. Check first, if they would like to hear your suggestions. Let your client know they get to make the final decision. 

Please remember that the adult who comes to see you, is a human being sitting in front of you. The client’s experience is UNIQUE to the client. YOU have to meet the client where the client is at. You don’t get to “rush” the client’s recovery. 

BE a human with your client first. Then a therapist, counsellor, worker.

It made me realise that workers in the child protection field, have very little awareness of how they speak to their colleagues. I am not talking about their clinical work with their clients. I am raising concerns to their interaction with their peers – and very possibly, their own family members. 

From where I stand now, I see the potential harm where there is limited sensitivity in the workplace, towards colleagues who may have experienced childhood (sexual) abuse. Let that sit with you for a minute. Have you been kind in the words that you’ve used, the behaviors you’ve chosen?

What makes you think that a survivor of sexual abuse means that they have “successfully” experienced their healing and come out on the other side?
That they have strength and resilience on the other side of their trauma?
There are no sides.

Your client has survived. All that he/she did until now helped them survive.

There is no “completion” that needs to comes from healing from trauma.

There is no lesson in trauma.
We don’t need to see trauma through a positive lens.

Our story is valid.
Our pain is real.

My sisters and brothers – do not let them DENY you of your emotions and experiences. Your voice matters.

I see you. I hear you.

My fellow helping professionals – we have so much to learn and grow. 

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