hello

I stepped into the cab and the song All Of Me by John Legend was playing. That was the song that my student was working on Monday. I remember my Duality family member singing this song too. A song to me from Soul. Opening opening and embracing all of me, giving all of me to me. I am worthy.

It felt like I was rushing on Monday morning. Though I started with my self loving ritual, I quickly moved into a space of beat up thoughts.

For leaving my home late even when I had woken up so much earlier today.

For not going to yoga today because it was too rushed with my start time at work. For thinking that I’m lazy.

For having a fit of sneezing. Feeling my inflamed nose.

Wanting to stay disconnected. Wanting to hide.

The moment I felt this I knew. I knew that the separation wasn’t external and that I was seeking a deeper bond within me.

For eating ice cream last night. For the frappe that I had yesterday.

For not getting enough sleep.

For not completing my to do lists.

For not doing more.

For falling behind. For not keeping up.

For expanding. For standing tall.

Just, wow.

As I walked to the bus stop, I was pulled to listen to the embodiment practice guided by Sheila Pai (Nuturing You Online Retreat 2015). The moment I heard her voice, tears rushed to my eyes. I realised all the places within me that were aching for my own love. I realised after the expansion on Monday, I was riding the contractions in my body that followed on Tuesday. I sank into my breath and found the spaciousness within my body, that infinite space within that can hold all of me. As I kept breathing, I became a lot more present in the moment, letting go of all the anxieties, doubts and not enoughness. I felt my feet dangle off the bench completely relaxed. I was filled with so much ease, peace, joy and gratitude for returning back Home to myself, for returning back to my breath.

It is that gap isn’t it, that we fall into at times. Moving away from self loving, getting caught up in routines. Not staying accountable to myself. Remembering brings me back to my breath, to the present moment, to heal my soul and detach from my mind that is keeping me small and wrong.

I am choosing a more self loving space. I am choosing to commit to loving me. I am choosing to show up each day and practice loving me.

***

I was riding the wave of contractions on Tuesday. My eyes glazed over from too much screen and administrative work. It took one person to ask me, if everything was ok and what had happened and just being in that space of openness allowed my tears to flow while I was at work. I embraced my sadness and I embraced my tears. I embraced the fact I was battling several emotions under the surface. Beautiful clearing and releasing. I used sage to cleanse my energy and I listened to the meditation to clear my energy. My energy shifted quickly and I moved into a space of amusement and observation, allowing where I was in that moment. I am so grateful to be able to use these tools and shift.

Can you hold me when I don’t even know what’s going on?

Can you hold me with emotions I don’t understand?

Yes, yes I can Vickie <3

My inner child is seeking a deeper connection with me, within me.

I am so grateful that I can hear her voice. I am so grateful that I can create this space of healing within me, for her. I am grateful that she trusts me, to come to me.

It is only when I was looking for a picture to accompany this post that I came across this watercolour painting I had done over a journaling page. I had set the intention to “Embrace Me Whole” during a New Moon ritual. I love my practice of building an intimate connection within and I find myself opening deeper and deeper to life, fully receiving all the gifts and miracles that come my way.

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In my beginner hatha yoga class, I set the intention to breathe love into my resistance to stay where I am and to keep holding my pose. I do not know how it happened. I wasn’t even thinking about it and it all seemed to flow. Somehow my body was able to lift off the mat and be supported by my hands for a full bridge pose… It truly felt like magic… I was in amazement, wonder and very quickly the mind kicked in and I was in shock and disbelief. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I did it. This was soooooooo huge for me. To be able to do this within a couple of weeks of my yoga practice. I never imagined it. It’s as though I surrendered and let You carry me through. I wasn’t in my mind and became fully present in my body. A huge huge huge achievement for me and I do not even know how to describe this feeling in words. It is immense. I have deep gratitude for myself and my body. While in savasana, I allowed the tears to well up behind my eyes and flow in deep gratitude and in sacred connection to you Kali Ma. I feel you so strongly, flowing through me and I bow so deeply. So so deeply.

***

My yoga journey started out a couple of years back when I went for a hot yoga session and was flooded with inadequacy, lack, not enoughness and body shame. Even though my friends said that it would get better at the next session, I felt like they were not hearing what I was saying. I never did yoga again until last year. As I journeyed through Julie Gibbon’s Mandala Magic 2014, I attempted to do child’s pose and felt like I couldn’t even be in that position, I couldn’t be that close to my body. That was the amount of body shame and rejection that I held within. It was my lovely soul sister Karen who then introduced Yoga to me after her retreat in India, guiding me to follow my breath and go at my pace. I also did an online class with Anna Guest-Jelley and Vivienne McMaster: Embodying my curvy and beloved body. I remember visiting Karen in Norway and we had spent some time in a Spiritual shop. I was reading a book on Chakra Healing. I can’t recall the question but I remember my answer: My spirit wanted to fly. I knew that my lower chakras needed a lot more work!

After I came back to Singapore, my path was filled with grounding practices! I had a life coaching session with one of my students who had asked me this question: What is your relationship with your body? I was stunned! It was then that I realised that I did not have any such relationship with my body! I learnt to do body scans. I was halfway through the book, The Power of Now and I learnt to follow my breath and be present in my body. I did a 30 Days of Yoga program with Marianne Elliot and I learnt to be kind and compassionate to myself on the mat and off the mat. I started my journey with energy healing and Week 1 had us practicing grounding! I stepped into the world of Divine Feminine Embodiment practices and my life changed completely. I knew that I wanted to get in touch with the meditative and traditional form of yoga rather than attend a class where the focus was on exercise.

***

I had put it out to the Universe to find such a place and a month ago I was literally guided through several Facebook posts, to a studio near my home. It was truly meant to be. I’ve met an amazing lady who teaches yoga to small groups in her home. I loved the energy of her space, her approach and I knew that I was exactly where I needed to be.

Yoga is transforming my life and my being. I feel so much more open. I am learning what my body is capable of. Learning to trust, learning to let go and feeling a lot more confident in my body too. After my practice, I feel so infinitely connected. My heart feels sooooo open to the Divine, the sensation so pure that it brings tears of joy to my eyes. I am building an intimate connection with myself within my body. It’s so beautiful, so sacred. I thought to myself: Yes I do have dreams for my future.. and yet and yet and yet.. even if that does not come to fruition, it does not matter. If this continues to be my life that is ok too because this – all of it – is already so beautiful. I feel so contented where I am now.

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